I Hate the Holidays
by the Raven of Roses
Summary: christmas season sucks ass, no? all the bright lights and happy ppl and annoying songs make me want to kill things. this is a series of poems and stories to illustrate the evils of the holiday season. enjoy.
1. Singalong

A JtHM Rendition of

"We Wish You a Merry Christmas"

(all singing)

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

and a happy new year

(Johnny)

I'd really like to

Stab you with a spork

So fuck off you prick and

….have a happy new year.

(all)

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

and a happy new year

(squee)

Christmas is time

For horror and fear

The cheerful cheerful décor has

Me screaming in tears

(all)

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

and a happy new year

(devi)

just leave me alone

forget I exist

and if you come singing

I will rip out your eyes

(all)

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

and a happy new year

(mr. eff and psychodoughboy)

good tidings to all

to you and your kin

godo tidings for Christmas

now go kill yourself!

….Dude. that's not how the song goes.

And I should care WHY?

Okay, let's start over.

But we were almost to the end!

Fine. Whatever. Annie, go ahead. Just say your bit and let's get the hell out of here.

Thank you.

(Annie)

Alone in the dark

You're hearing the sound

Of a thousand years' screaming

And you know you've been found

(all)

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

we wish you a merry Christmas

and a happy new year!

(Johnny)

Now get the fuck out of my house or I'll rip your eyes out!

Author's note: wow. My muses have left me for a moment. I promise the next ones will be better. . ah well. Do drop a review, if you wouldn't mind. I enjoy reading your comments.

-raven, your friendly Neptunian maniac


	2. Twas the Night Before Christmas

Author's note: by all means, do sing that song in public. It might get you arrested, mes amies, but it'll sure as hell be fun.

'Twas the night before X-mas  
And all through the fleet  
Not a creature was stirring  
Not even a Smeet.

The conquered were hung  
By the cockpit with care  
In hopes that the Gift-beasts  
Soon would be there.

The smeets were all nestled  
So snug in their beds  
While visions of battlegrounds  
Danced in their heads.

And purple in his kerchief  
And red in his hat  
Had just settled down  
For a long-winded snack.

When out on the bridge  
There appeared such a crying  
Red sprang from the couch  
To see just who was dying.

Away to the bridge  
Did red fly like a flash  
And ordered the doors  
To be sealed with a crash!

The moon on the screen  
Gave a bloody red glow  
And the luster of midday  
To the fleet just below.

When what to red's wondering eyes should appear  
But a hole in the walls that filled him with fear.  
And then popped a head through the hole's burning rim  
Red knew in a moment that it must be Zim.

More rabid than weasels, his onslaught thus came  
Red looked knew by his eyes that this was no game

"Burn faster, you bastard!"  
Screamed Zim with a fury  
And slammed his flamethrower  
To the hole in a hurry.  
"Just a bit more to go  
Then I'll capture my foes  
And SMASH THEIR HEADS! SMASH THEIR HEADS!  
SMASH THEIR HEADS IN!"

And as wet paper that crumples and tears when it's tugged  
The wall bucked inward, and the Irken broke through  
And in flew the reject aimed straight at the tallest  
But red saw him coming, so he turned tail and flew.

Just then in an ill-time-ed move  
Tallest purple strolled up in search of more food  
As the Irkens raced by him with red in the lead  
Poor purple just stood there, confus-ed indeed

He was dressed in purple from his head to his feet  
Hence his weird nickname—and he didn't miss a beat  
But sprang into action with the greatest of ease  
And distracted poor Zim with a kick in the knees

His eyes—how they did blaze! His grimace, how scary!  
Zim's balance unraveled—he wasn't quite merry!  
His little sharp mouth was set in a growl  
And teeth ground on teeth as he suppressed a howl

Purple reached for Zim's pak, but he was thrown  
Back to the ground by—GASP!—one of his own!  
He looked around sharply for that little brat  
And found he'd been hit in the head with a rat.

Red's confusion had mounted as Zim hit the ground  
Why was that little defective there?  
But then he grinned as enlightenment hit  
He knew just why he was stuck in this shit

He spoke not a word, but went straight to control  
And sent a sharp signal to those down below  
Then purple, aware of what his colleague had planned  
Threw Zim out of the room and struggled to stand

But it was too late, red had started the process  
The only way to be rid of this whole mess  
And as purple's protests grew much stronger  
Red pressed the reset button, and the fic was no longer.

Author's note: geh. What an epic. XX it turned out rather poorly, if I say so meself, but at least it's done. And hopefully it's somewhat humorous. hope you liked it, and do review. Your comments make me feel all warm inside. Happy horrid holidays, and take care, mes amis.

-raven, your friendly Neptunian pyro


	3. Rudolph version 2 point 0

12-13-05

Johnny opened the book of children's Christmas stories with a look akin to the utmost horror and revulsion. Bright pictures and happy prose assaulted him from every direction, and he had the sudden urge to kill a department store Santa. The voice of Antoinette brought him back from his musings before he could act upon them.

"Nny? Why must we participate in this mindless holiday tradition? I don't want to read 'Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.'"

"There's a lot nobody ever tells you about that story, you know," commented Devi, who was perched delicately on the arm of the sofa.

"Really?" queried Antoinette. "Like what?"

"Well," she grinned, "let's pull out the trusty old book of bedtime stories and find out?"

RUDOLPH 2.0

Rudolph was always a timid little reindeer. He wanted nothing more than to be accepted, but he was always too shy to talk to anyone. It didn't really help his social life to have a giant, glowing red nose, either.

Rudolph got picked on a lot. Not just for his nose, either. What was worse was his NAME. Dasher and Donner were the worst.

"You've got a stupid name!" they'd shout, cavorting around and nipping at his ankles. "Rudolph is a stupid name!"

Rudolph tried to ignore it, but the taunts finally got to him. His parents checked him into the suicide ward of the local veterinary clinic after he tried to O.D. on mistletoe.

It was from his hospital bed that he viewed the dreaded fog coming in on Christmas Eve.

"How can we take off in this horrible fog?" mourned Santa, staring forlornly out into the mist.

"Maybe Rudolph can light the way with that giant nose of his," sniggered Dasher.

"Excellent idea!" exclaimed Santa. "Get him out here!"

Rudolph was led out of the clinic, eyes wild. Santa pointed at the sleigh and murmured something about needing his help to fly the sleigh. For you see, even Santa wasn't very fond of Rudolph. He was just a bit too odd, that one.

But Rudolph didn't care. Finally, a chance to prove himself! He made his way to the head of the team and successfully lit the way for Santa to deliver presents to the children of the world.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until the next day, anyway.

Rudolph woke up the next morning, excited for the first time in his life to go out among the other reindeer. Surely they would accept him now! He had single-handedly saved Christmas!

But they ignored him when he tried to talk, and they butted him out of their games once again. He sat down, dejected, in a corner to mull things over. A passing reindeer kicked him in the head, and something snapped.

Rudolph quietly made his way to the only shop in town where weaponry could be purchased. Discreetly, he picked out a small arsenal of guns and knives, finishing off with a good selection of explosives. He paid for them on his father's credit card, then left the store.

What followed was the most terrifying 4 hours in the community's living memory. Rudolph gunned down everything in sight, living or non, leaving the city in shambles. Everywhere there were corpses, and trails of blood mixed with the ashen snow on the ground.

Finally, Rudolph cornered Dasher and Donner in an empty house. The two begged for mercy, sniveling and whining about how they'd never do it again and please spare them. Rudolph glared at them, and they fell silent.

"This is for making fun of my nose," he growled, shooting Donner in the leg.

"This is for making fun of my name."

Dasher screamed as a bullet tore through his abdomen.

"This is for ignoring me."

Donner's front legs snapped with the impact of a single shot.

"This is for making me go suicidal."

Dasher choked up blood, and another shot went into his shoulder.

Rudolph unsheathed two daggers and leaned closer to the squirming bodies. He smiled, and his eyes turned the color of his nose.

"And this is for being assholes to me and all the other misfits."

Donner and Dasher went still as the blades parted their skulls and pinned them to the wall.

…

And Rudolph lived happily ever after.

-the end-

"I liked that story," giggled Antoinette.

"Where did you get that book, Devi?" asked Johnny, staring at its worn pages in sudden interest.

"Oh, I picked it up from the bookstore a long time ago. It was in the 'children's horror' section. 'Deviant Fairy Tales,' I think it was called."

"I'll have to pick that up sometime," murmured Johnny.

"Let's open presents!" cried Antoinette, clasping her hands together in excitement.

"It's only Christmas Eve," Devi pointed out. "Are you sure you want to open them now?"

"Yes!" squealed Annette.

"Okay, I suppose you can open a few of them tonight," sighed Johnny in mock-surrender.

"Yay!"

Johnny watched Annette tear into her gifts with a small smile. It made him feel all warm inside to see such innocence in a child. Annette's exclamations over a new katana did nothing to diminish the feeling.


End file.
